Whoops! Let’s try this again.

Having finally seen a psychiatrist this week to look into my serious mental health symptoms, I’ve finally been given a diagnosis and treatment plan—I have Complex PTSD, which is honestly what I began to realise I had already. But it’s definitely a big jump from thinking you have something, to a trained professional telling you that, yes, your brain is really that fucked up.

In Safe Mode, I explained how this affects how I interact with the world every day. Emotions feel too intense to the point I feel physical pain. My brain is always in fight-or-flight mode, spotting dangers that aren’t actually there. I always fear abandonment and rejection, and push away or withdraw from people I love. This has been around for years, and has slowly got worse as I went through more upsetting events. Eventually last year, it was like a dam bursting, and I was suddenly unable to cope with life properly anymore. I’ve had a couple of good periods since, but it’s been harder and harder to keep my head above water.

Which is why I’ve finally reached out for more specialised help.

The plan forwards is very promising. I’m going to start a type of therapy called EMDR. It uses eye movements, and sometimes flashing lights or sounds, while I remember traumatic events in detail. It should help my brain properly “sort” the memories in my brain and stop them from coming up as intense flashbacks and upsetting thoughts. It can take a while to go through and reprocess many memories, so I can imagine this will take a while. It also often can cause quite intense emotions and feelings between sessions too, so I need to be in a stable place to begin this work.

To help with this, I’m once again being put on an antidepressant. I’ve been on three different ones last year and I found them all unhelpful and dangerous at times. However, the one I’ve been asked to take (venlafaxine) works in a different way and could perhaps help with making me more stable and keeping me upright, so I can better engage with the EMDR process. Hopefully. We’ll see.

Finally, to help with stability, I’m going to try and work through some self help emotional stabilisation and try to cope enough to deal with everything going on to limit my impact to the people around me. Stuff I have found unhelpful in the past like mindfulness and breathing exercises and journalling, I’ll give it another go. No harm in trying.

Anyway, while I’m here I want to say sorry from the bottom of my heart. I tend to be extremely emotional. I tend to have strong, suddenly changing feelings that can be a lot to witness. I am always worrying about being abandoned and rejected and try so hard to not have that happen, which often means I am intense and annoying and extremely pushy. I constantly need reassurance and crave external validation.

This all puts so much emotional pressure on the people around me. I can be a lot and unpredictable. I’m really sorry I’ve been like this and I want to be better for you all. 💖