I don’t need to tell any of you about the many stressors and anxieties surrounding being a trans person in the year 2023. I feel like it’s a topic that’s been done to death and only serves to make people needlessly worried and scared and serves no real purpose. No, what I’m focussing on today is how that there’s so many things that have been affecting my brain and my ability to function normally in my day to day, and finally, I’ve hit a point where I’m getting the help I need and working on a plan forward.
Depression sucks. You don’t need me to tell you this and I won’t go into a lot of detail here. What I will say though, is that it sucks especially since it still feels stigmatised and comes as a taboo and I still feel ashamed and embarrassed talking about my own struggles with it. Depression also often makes it feel like you’re not worthy of getting the care and support that you actually need. Thus making things worse.
I’ve been struggling for a little while, and a couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to confide this to the people closest to me. This post, then, is a statement of me committing to the plan I’ve created to help support myself and push myself onwards. Call it accountability I guess? IDK. I don’t want to isolate myself and push others away. I want to make sure I keep the good people around me there are. This will be very important.
I finally saw a doctor, I’m reaching out to therapists, and today I’ve taken my first dose of antidepressants. These feel especially stigmatised, and honestly I’ve been very reluctant to talk to doctors precisely because they and their side effects scare me. A lot. I’ve worried about them stifling my emotions and making it harder to enjoy things. Talking to friends and their experiences, they’ve shared positive and negative experiences and really empowered me in giving this a try. And honestly, it’s already been hard to enjoy hobbies and do my work, for a long time. So anything is an improvement here! I’ve also given up alcohol. Probably for good. I don’t want to reinforce unhealthy patterns that I was at risk of developing.
I struggle a lot with committing fully to things. It’s something I want to cover in therapy, that I will constantly do something like 90% of a task and stop before I reach the finish line and I don’t get the satisfaction of a job well done. Well, for this that just won’t do. I’m going to commit fully to the process, to the therapy, to giving the meds a try, and I won’t stop in the pursuit of a better me, however long it takes.
I hope that this is laying out the groundwork for a better, healthier Maisie. I wanted to share this all mainly for myself and for accountability. I wanna read back and be mindful of why I’m doing this, why I’m going through difficult therapy, why I’ve gone sober. With the plan, and tackling small things one at a time, it’s giving me a lot of hope and encouragement. I hope this is just a bump in the road and I’m feeling better soon.
Sending you all love.